What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 21:33
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Who then, do I blame.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were not on the streets..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I waited trembling.
He knew the spot.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was scared of men, in general
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When she asked me how she looked .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She found it foreign!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it wasn’t much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And i lived it daily.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I have no regrets .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But, we were locked up after school.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I said to her
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Especially a lifetime of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
It was going to be , some day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She married twice! .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.